Fear is the Mindkiller (Frank Herbert, Dune)
What I long for more than anything is the ability to live my life without fear.
In my childhood we played outside all day without any grownups. We were at the local playground, schoolyard, or a neighbour's house. I went home when I was hungry, tired or hurt. When my sister fell off the swing set she climbed, I ran home to get my mother. When my foot got stuck in a 4 foot snowbank, my sister called my mom to come and help. My sisters' hand-me-downs were my regular attire. New clothes were only occasionally purchased or received at birthdays or Christmas. That is how we lived. Happy, confident, using our own common sense as to when a grown up was needed. It helped that I had parents who did not get angry when I made bad judgment that led to a ripped shirt or skinned knee.
When I was a teenager there were no cell phones. I took the bus to school or walked if the weather was good. Staying after school was a regular occurrence and my mom expected that I would be home sometime before dinner. I got to and from school dances on Friday nights by myself even though it was after dark. I walked my neighbourhood regularly without fear of the motorcycle club that lived down the street. I worked at the local shopping mall for spending money. Walking the 25 minutes to and from no matter what time my shift began or ended. The one safety rule I had, which I later used with my own children, was 'if you are somewhere and need to get home, call no matter what the time or why you need a ride.'
When I reached my twenties and moved out of my parents' house, I moved in with the love of my life (although I did not know it yet). We had little money and lived in a basement apartment that had a view of the Gatineau Hills across the river. Our furniture was from Pascal's discount store or scrounged from where ever we could. Although our apartment was broken into 3 times, we had nothing of sentimental value to lose. The shopping spree to replace electronics and jewelry with the insurance money was so much fun we found ourselves laughing in the shopping centre. As years passed, we bought a small, old, run down house in dire need of care and renovation. When we gave the real estate agent our budget, she said it would be impossible to find a house in the city. We did. On the day we took possession we joked that it would not be a good idea to light a fire in the fake fireplace as the insurance company would not believe we were that stupid. We ripped out drywall to find that the paper insulation had compacted to the bottom of the wall cavity. No wonder our heating bill was so high. We used the bathroom sink for dishes while we renovated the kitchen. After work our evenings were spent painting, tiling or preparing for the next task.
Life was not easy in those first 30 years of my life. Sometimes it was downright hard. Full of budgets, work, making plans and schedules. Not enough time, not enough money, but it was fun, and....
I was never afraid of life.
In the last few decades, fear seems to have permeated all facets of our lives. Fear of failing a test, fear of missing out, fear of sickness, fear of being alone, fear of finding a partner, fear of not having enough money, fear of not finding a 'purpose', fear of causing harm, fear of being cheated, fear of technology, fear of strangers, fear of the police, fear of the government, fear of getting old, fear of death.
People speak of the snowflake generation. Young adults who seem to have no ability to withstand any kind of adversity. Even an off colour joke, or an insult can send them into a tirade about their rights. Angst is their constant companion as if life is just waiting to assault them at every turn. Hearing about someone who thinks that they have the right to not be offended, or that they expect a university to be a 'safe space' used to make me laugh at the obsurdity of the ideas. But this unreasonable outlook on life has become pervasive in education, social services, even parenting.
How much of this has been caused by the current trend in parenting that aims to protect children from any bad experience? From giving children trophies, medals or prizes for participation, through rewarding 'good behaviour' with treats, all the way to shielding them from sickness and death, our society has equated good parenting with making sure that children do not experience any negativity.
Unfortunately, the result of keeping the 'bad stuff' away from our children means that they cannot develop any tools to deal with adversity. Small disappointments, sudden changes in plans, seeing illnesses, having to wait for stuff, as a child, allows flexibility and resilience to develop. How can we expect our offspring to suddenly be able to deal with life in all its glory if we do not teach them what reality is as they develop? Each incremental step builds on the last. Experiencing the breadth of life in small appropriate doses, prepares the young adult for the reality that life can be difficult and easy, miserable and joyful, confusing and straightforward, boring and surprising. Lacking this base we run the risk of raising young adults who think that life should be a fairy tale. All full of fun and excitement that comes free from effort or boredom, pain or sadness.
Without the experience to deal with all aspects of life, it is no wonder that FEAR becomes the central emotion to their existence. Humans fear the unknown. Insulating our children means that they are unfamiliar with disappointment, boredom, sadness, loss, grief and failure. All these emotions, which are an integral part of life, need to be faced and even embraced in order to be a full and healthy person who has the confidence and character to take charge, rather than be a victim, of life.
Now in my 60's, I am finally letting go of the last fear. The fear that I am nobody. I will not make a mark in the world. I will not change anything. I will not be remembered beyond my own family. When my children and grandchildren are gone, even my memory will fade from existence. Ultimately my life has no impact. My legacy is encapsulated in the love I have given and received from those people and places I have touched.
It is enough. It has to be. It is all there is.