Dress Shopping Trauma
I found a dress today. My son is getting married at the end of the month and I have been looking at dresses online for a while. I used to enjoy shopping for clothes. Back in the days before 4 kids, before the extra 40 pounds I carry around my middle, I could put on a dress and appear to have a waist. Don't get me wrong, I've never really had a waist. In my teens and 20's, I had to buy men's jeans because I had no hips. Now I buy men's jeans because I have no waist.
In January, I briefly thought I could lose weight before May so that I could have a waist. Keto for a month brought a 10lb loss, but took the joy out of food. So I have to deal with the body I have, not the one in my fantasy. My measurements are 44, 43, 44 (inches). Nobody makes clothes to fit a body shape that is basically a column. OH, I have bumps and curves, mostly where you might expect them to be. In the right outfit, with the correct lighting, if you squint a little, you can see the vestiges of what once was.
Well, I finally had to bite the bullet and find a dress for my son's wedding. I had been checking the internet off and on, mostly yearning for the gorgeous dresses on the wispy models who posed and twirled, captive on my screen. Then with only a month left, I had to get serious. I googled the best dress types for an apple shaped body. Rushing (pronounced roooshing) was top of the list, fit and flare was also popular. (Fitted bodice with high waist and flared skirt) I decided to check out the Plus size websites to see how these magic tricks might look on real people. Alas, even the Plus size websites used either skinny models, or people with waists.
As a last resort, I decided to venture out into the real world and actually face a brick and mortar store with my pillar like architecture. My first foray was less than satisfactory. I must warn those with similar contours that rushing DOES NOT camouflage or minimize a protruding mid-section. Myth debunked. My daughter-in-law suggested a store that carries plus sized clothes and specializes in fancier attire. I am happy to say that after a half dozen tries, I found a dress that I found acceptable. Hurrah!
Driving home from the shopping centre, procured frock safely stowed, I began to reflect on how traumatic this whole experience had been. I am a 63 year old woman who has had 4 children. I am accomplished in many areas of life. I have managed the finances of a charity, returned to university in my 40's to get not one, but 2 degrees. I taught school, from kindergarten to adults. I managed a 6 person household, cared for multiple disabled people over many years. Yet, the purchase of a dress had me in tears, complaining to my husband that this was the worst feeling I had to deal with in a long while. The feeling of inadequacy, that I was somehow a weak and useless person because I had not kept the figure I had in my 30's was overwhelming.
I have struggled to understand the self-chastisement that has accompanied my reflection since I gained weight. In my head, I still feel like the 140 pound woman I was. Only when I look in a mirror do I have to confront reality. I dislike the reality of my body when it is in my face, but obviously not enough to actually give up the foods, drink, practices that keep me from changing. I will continue to ponder how to overcome the seemingly simple problem. Either accept myself the way I am, or lose the weight. It sounds so easy when you say it, but feels like a 1000 lb anchor when trying to deal with it.